Saying Goodbye

Much of what I write on my blog is very open and honest with almost no filter. It’s a place where I can come and write down my thoughts and feelings with almost complete anonymity. I don’t have to worry about judging looks from people as I write about controversial topics from time-to-time. This blog post is no different…it’s open and honest and if anything more for myself than anyone else who decides to read this.

My relationship with my father has had a huge influence on my life and it’s been pretty well documented on my blog. I feel as if it’s much easier to express my feelings on here than to him. It’s difficult for me to even attempt to tell him how I feel when he lives five hours away. There’s no way that I would even try to talk to him over the phone. Talking over the phone would just lead to multiple interruptions, yelling, and the eventual hangup from my father. I could mail him a letter, but he could easily rip it up and I’d never know if he read it or not. The only way I would know for sure that he heard everything I had to say is if I sat down with him face-to-face and calmly expressed my feelings. I’ve made two attempts at trying to sit down with him and talk when he’s been up here, but they’ve both failed. The first time was on a Sunday and he was leaving that day to go home. The second time was Father’s Day weekend and he actually lied to me and told me that he wasn’t up here to visit my brother and sister. It’s a shame that I saw pictures and post on his Facebook contradicting what he had told me days prior.

With multiple failed attempts behind me, I’ve given up and decided to finally cut ties with my dad. Last night I had messaged him about the whereabouts of my spare set of keys. His reply consisted of a list of demands: proof of insurance, proof of the title in my name, and a picture of my license plate with current stickers. He want’s all of that before he’ll send me my spare keys. Clearly there is no trust between us, and that was just the absolute breaking point for me. Having built up for countless years, that simple list of demands just spoke mountains to me and it was finally time to put my money where my mouth was.

I’ve always said that I want nothing to do with my dad, that there was no hope between us. I’ve voiced my countless thoughts to my best friends, my grandma, and even my brother. But when it came to telling my dad…it never happened. I was just too scared and I also really wanted to talk to him face-to-face. I was scared because deep down I always had the smallest flicker of hope that something could be resolved. Last night though I realized that there was nothing left to be said and done with the exception of telling him that I was done.

After getting his list of demands, I replied with a simple ‘okay’ and then started on tying up a paragraph to send to him expressing the gist of my various thoughts and emotions.

Once I send you the proof and I get my spare set of keys in hand, I really see no use in keeping in contact with you. Feel free to take me off of your health insurance because I can figure out a way to get my own health insurance and I’d hate to keep being a burden to you and your family. I’ve tried countless times to talk to you about things and they’ve all failed miserably. I guess once this car situation is all taken care of you’ll also have no reason to keep in what very little contact we have with each other. Sucks that it’s come to this but I feel like there’s just absolutely no hope for you and I to have an even decent relationship and I’ve felt this way for quite sometime…this isn’t a new or rash decision…I can guarantee that.You can even ask ken and beth about that because they’ve read the letter that I had written to you. If we had met up either of the two times I tried to while you were up in Grand Rapids then I’d tell you this face to face and read you the letter I’ve been working on for a year now…but it’s obvious that talking face to face won’t happen although I’d have much rather said this to you in person. I guess I’m sorry that I’ve been a continuous disappointment to you and your family…I’ve tried my best but I don’t think that my best is enough for you.

I wrote it, rewrote it, and wrote it again countless times before I grew the courage to press send. Here I sat in the middle of a busy 24 hour coffee shop trying my best to push back the tears threatening to fall freely down my face. Thanks to Facebook I could see exactly when he read it and when he was typing and it made me want to throw up. I sat there impatiently awaiting his response. Finally fifteen minutes later the red box popped up on my dad’s name and I waited a good three minutes before opening it.

As distant as it is, you are still my family. Like it or not, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. It’s clear you’ve had ill feelings towards me for some time…..I’d say since you were probably 8 or 9 years old. I’m sorry you feel there is no hope, however I refuse to be your whipping post and take the blame for all the bad things that have happened to you. Bailey you have burned every bridge you’ve crossed and now seem to be trying hard to burn this one. I have one question….what is it that you need?

His response honestly angered me. No where in my message to him did I place any blame on him. Yet here he is turning the tables completely and placing all of the blame on me. I have so many issues with his response and yet I really was not surprised with what he said. Sure he’s right when he said you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. He’s absolutely right. But when your family continues to be a let down and disappointment to you, then you have the obvious choice of whether or not you want them in your life anymore. Family will always be your family, but that doesn’t mean that they have to be a part of your life and I don’t think that my dad realizes that. The one thing that absolutely angers me the most about his reply is the last sentence.

I have one question….what is it that you need?

Hmm…I could think of a few things I could need from him…

  • Be a dad
  • Love me
  • Care about me
  • Be more understanding
  • Show sympathy
  • Take responsibility for your actions
  • Forgive me
  • Respect me
  • Realize that I’m not perfect

If I wanted or needed anything from him then it’d be those and I honestly feel like a daughter shouldn’t have to ask their dad for those things. But in the end I need absolutely nothing from him…not a damn thing. I haven’t asked for a single thing from him in a long, long time and I find it hilarious that he’d ask me that. I simply wanted to know where my spare keys had ended up. I did not send him that first message with the intentions of asking him for anything. It’s also a little too late to ask me what I needed, because I’ve needed a lot from him over the years and now I simply need nothing from him.

Although his rather nonchalant response absolutely angered me, I took the time to type uf a long and thoughtful response to him. I addressed everything he had mentioned in his reply to me and had hoped that he’d realize that I was being absolutely serious.

I’m fully aware that you cannot chose your family, but in all honesty my friends have been there more these past two years than my family ever has been. Especially since last summer. I will never forget when I told you about my abortion and your response was that you weren’t surprised and that you were disappointed. I’ve always said that you never cared about me, and I feel that if you truly did care about me then you would have shown it in that moment. That moment pretty much solidified what I’ve thought for a long time now. While you’re obviously entitled to your feelings, if you wanted to truly show me that you did indeed care about me, then you could have acted like an actual caring parent. And yes, I’m holding a grudge on that, but that truly hurt me dad. You like to say that I’ve “hated” you for years now, but that wasn’t ever the case. If I really hated you, then why would I have made multiple efforts to fix this strained relationship with you. This past fathers day weekend when I asked if we would meet up, you said you weren’t planning on visiting mikey and kaitlin. But you straight up lied to me because there were pictures of you just that weekend. That’s a low blow, dad. I messaged you that day to speak my thoughts and feelings and see if we would come to some resolution. The way I see it though is that there is really no hope because I don’t ever see you trying to even make the littlest of efforts to fix things. Because I’m very well aware that it’s both of our faults that it’s come to this. We’re both to blame and I’ve accepted that long ago, but I don’t feel like you agree with that statement. I get the feeling that you want to blame this all on me. I’m also not making you my whipping post…definitely not in my message to you. So I’m sorry if you feel that way but that was never my intention. Whether you want to believe that or not is up to you. But to answer your question….I don’t need anything from you. Why you felt the need to ask me that question absolutely baffles me because I haven’t asked you for anything in a long time besides where my spare keys were.

I know he read it and I waited for a response…I waited and waited and waited. Here I am sending him truly heartfelt and honest words on how I’ve felt almost my entire life and he either reacts so nonchalantly or just doesn’t even reply at all. They say actions speak louder than words and his actions spoke loud and clear last night. The ball is most definitely in his court now as I await some sort of response.

As far as I’m concerned though, I’m done through and through. I finally grew the courage and stood up to my dad like an adult and made him aware of how I’ve felt.

My relationship with my dad has dictated more of my life and behavior than I’d like to ever admit, and I’m finally ready to stop it. I’m ready to change it and change my life around. Right now, as long as he doesn’t respond to my message, this is another chapter closed in my book. So I guess this is a goodbye to my dad. Not a farewell or see you later, but an actually goodbye never to see him again. It slightly sucks because there were some good times throughout the years, but I can’t be living in the past anymore. I can’t be keeping the little glimmer of hope deep down inside anymore.

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