Tonight while I was cleaning my room, I was informed that my older sister had gotten engaged. One would typically be thrilled to hear that kind of news…I was not. To make it even worse, my sister wasn’t the one who told me. My fathers best friend and his wife told me because I’m still living with them. They had called my sister to ask about a baby shower for my sister-in-law and then she happened to tell them. Turns out that she got engaged weeks ago and was just telling them…and then told them to tell me. Now I haven’t talked to my sister since fathers day weekend, but the fact that she didn’t tell me seriously hurt. And the fact that she chose to tell my moms side of the family before me….well damn. My moms side of the family has treated me and my family like absolute shit since my mom passed away…and yet she thought to tell them before her own sister. That hurts.
As soon as I found out this news, I sent my sister a message on Facebook, which I’ll admit was pretty snarky…but I was hurt. Her response was disgusting though.
I don’t like you I don’t like talking to you why would I try to get a hold of you to tell you something that I don’t honestly care if you are apart of. We aren’t friends and I don’t much care for you or your attitude.”
Word. For. Word. My sister is truly a nasty person on the inside.
I texted my cousin to tell her the news, only to find out that she already knew. Upon telling her that my phone was suspended, which is why I can only get iMessages on wifi, she asked why. I told her about my dad and what had happened and she simply asks “dude what is going on?” and after a short reply from me, she asked me if I was okay.
No one has asked me if I was okay in what seems like forever… I honestly cannot remember the last time someone asked me if I was okay. I asked her if she really wanted the truth, and of course she did. I started to cry as I sat on my bed and really thought about my answer. Was I okay? The truth is that I’m not okay…not at all.
I put on a show for everyone. I pretend like no other that I’m okay. I pretend so much that I end up believing myself. Then shit like what happened tonight with my sister happens and I’m reminded that, no I’m not truly okay. I pretend to just brush everything off my shoulders like it’s no big deal and just continue on with my life. In most cases it’s doable…little things have stopped bothering me. But when it comes to my family…it’s just hard.
I can come off as tough or a bitch who doesn’t let anything bother me, but that’s mostly just an act. Deep down I’m the total opposite of that, but no one knows that or sees it…especially not my family. I so badly want a relationship with everyone in my family, but I know that it will never happen. I don’t talk to my father or my older sister. I have very limited contact with everyone from my moms side of the family, with the exception of my cousin. The only people in my family that I do keep in contact with is my brother and his wife, my younger sister, and my cousin. That’s it…and I have a large family. For a while now, I’ve said that the majority of my family doesn’t care about me…and now I have actual proof that my sister is one of those people. It hurts, yes, but it’s just something else to add to my ever growing hole in my heart.
At the end of my response to my cousins question about it I was okay, I think I summed it up pretty accurately.
Honestly my life is a huge mess and I’m not okay…I haven’t truly been okay since I was 8…but in order for me to keep pushing through with my life, I have to pretend that I’m okay.
And how sad it that?”
My honesty shocked me a little bit, but my cousin came back with a great reply and an equally as great idea. She suggested that I go away for 6 months all by myself. I need to move away and cut off all communication with everyone who brings negativity into my life. I need to be able to truly find myself and be free to be myself.
I need to do what’s best for me.
My next steps in life are to work my ass off, save up money, and figure out where the hell I want to move to. It’s time for me to truly be selfish and only care about me, myself, and I. Well and little ole’ Layla of course. As my cousin told me tonight:
This is your time to say, I need to find myself and enjoy life instead of being held down. The people who support you now will support you in your choices.”