May your choices reflect your hopes. Not your fears.

-Nelson Mandela

There are days where I find myself questioning some of the decisions I’ve made thus far in my life. I think back to what I was thinking back then and what would have or could have happened if I made a different decision. As of lately it’s been the decision I made back in June to terminate the life I was carrying inside of me. It’s something that will always weigh heavy on my heart and I’ve just got to accept that. But it’s days like today…when I get the chance to spend just a little bit of it with an adorable little toddler. Just sitting there and watching this little human learn new things right in front of you is absolutely amazing. That feeling of their little hands tugging on your leggings because they want to sit in your lap and pet the dog currently sleeping on you…it’s too cute. Even though babies and little ones cry quite a bit, it makes me smile even more when I get to hear their little giggles that erupt into full-blown laughter.

Everyone always says that being a parent isn’t just about the fun parts…there’s the not so fun and stressful parts to it as well. And I’m well aware of that…truly I am. But even when I nannied this past summer, after all of the annoying and stressful parts of it I still enjoyed it 100% of the time. I just wonder what could have been… What if having that baby was what I needed to get my life on track? I’ll never know and that’s completely my doing.

It also doesn’t help me much that my brother and his wife are pregnant. While I’m beyond happy and overjoyed for them, I just can’t help but feel a little bit of sadness deep down inside of me. No one that I know would be able to understand what I’m saying or feeling… They’d most likely say that I didn’t deserve to feel this way…that I could have prevented these feelings. And they’re right in that I could have prevented these feelings, but who is anyone to say that I don’t deserve to feel these emotions? One of my friends actually did tell me back in June that if I went through with it, that I didn’t have the right to be sad…not then and not ever.

I know that I made the decision for a reason and I’ll have to live with it every day for the rest of my life. It still sucks though…it sucks a whole lot. I’d be about six months along by now and that’s just kind of crazy.

What I do know though, is that when the time comes, I will be an amazing mother and that baby will have the life it deserves and more. Just knowing that makes it just a little bit easier…just a little..


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