Most of my friends know that I’ve got some issues…as do most people. I have no shame in admitting my issue. Why should I care when almost everyone else around me has their own issues? It’s also pretty well known that I’ve got some ‘daddy issues’…I’ve even written an open letter to my father a while ago. But tonight I was sitting in bed at my current residence and there was something that I thought/said that was actually disturbing after I had said it.
I’m currently living close family friends, basically my aunt and uncle. They have two daughters ages 10 and 14 so it’s safe to say that there’s quite a bit of yelling and fighting. Their dad gets upset about things that parents get upset about…tonight it was their 10 year old lying to him right to his face. I sat in my bed as the yelling unfolded and as my dog ran downstairs, scared of the yelling, it brought be back to when I lived at home. Fights like those weren’t uncommon for me and my siblings. If I’m going to be honest…it was weird when there wasn’t any arguments happening in our house.
I ventured upstairs to get dinner once the drama was finished and I found the two adults cleaning up broken glass from a dish. I simply wasn’t fazed about anything that had happened as they told me the basics of what happened. They hadn’t even meant to break the dish. He was simply trying to throw it into the sink and instead it hit the edge of the counter. I chuckled and said something about how it was a climatic ending to a pointless fight… at least something along those lines. Though that’s not what I thought was disturbing about this whole thing. Even though the fact that I chuckled is a bit odd…
What bothered me was what I said next. I sat at the island eating baked beans when I told them: “At least it’s not a 2×4 being swung at your head”. And then I chuckled again. What?? The fact that I can just nonchalantly mention that and then chuckle after it just seems wrong to me. Yes, my dad did really swing a big ole’ 2×4 at me one day after our basement had flooded. Luckily for me, I had some good reflexes and narrowly dodged it. But the fact that I seemed so okay with it earlier tonight had me a bit worried.
I think what has me a bit worried the most is that I think I’ve been desensitized to the whole household violence thing. Not that tonights events were violent…they weren’t by any means. But in general it just doesn’t faze me like it used to when I was younger…how it should still affect me. It’s almost like it’s normal for me. I don’t want to be that girl stuck in an abusive relationship because it’s familiar to her…what she’s grown up with. I mean I know that it’s wrong but if this stuff doesn’t bother me now and I can just brush it off now.
So there’s more on my ‘daddy issues’ and I’m sure that there’s more to come on the same subject. I’m a complex person with complex problems and a majorly messed up life. What else am I supposed to do about it besides just roll with it?