Commitment-phobe

Hi, my name is B and I have a fear of commitment and getting close to people.

For quite some time now I’ve been meeting different guys while I’m here is Grand Rapids this summer. It’s all great and everything, but whenever they ask to hangout or anything of the sort, I get weirded out or something. Nine times out of ten I always come up with an excuse as to why I can’t hangout. Yesterday, or example, two guys that I’ve been talking to wanted to hangout with me. It would be fine if we were just friends but I’m pretty positive that they both like me. (that sounded bitchy…didn’t it?) So I made up some excuse as to why I couldn’t hangout with either of them. Sad…I know. I also don’t like texting a guy first…not because I feel like he should text first, but because I don’t want to be seen as clingy. I have this (irrational) fear of being clingy and I don’t like clingy people. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Here’s the issue though. I want a boyfriend. I want to do all those cutesy couple things. I want someone to cuddle with in bed and listen to music on a gloomy and rainy day. I want to do all of these things in my mind, but when I actually get the chance to, I get weirded out I actually get the chance to. I suppose I’ve been like this a while now, but I never really thought about it and why until a few days ago. Yesterday it finally dawned on me as to why I’m pretty much a commitment-phobe. After I came to the realization yesterday, I promptly called my friend, K, and explained it all to her and it makes perfect sense.

As long as I can remember, I’ve never really had anyone love on me like many parents do with their kids. No one was really affectionate towards me. Yeah, sure my family told me that they loved me, but actions speak louder than words and they never really said the ‘L’ word to me a lot. In fact, for a period of time before my mom passed away, some of my family members called me a ‘hateful child’ and that really does a number on a young kid. My mom was pretty much the only one who would cuddle with me since she did daycare at home…but she did daycare at home, so she was always paying attention to all the other kids as well. My family just wasn’t super affectionate as I grew up. Then my mom passed away and it just got worse.

Also, my mom’s side of my family has always been pretty well off and didn’t have to worry much about money. There were countless times when we’d be leaving an aunt and uncle’s house and they would give me a ten or twenty-dollar bill instead of a hug. (K pointed out to me that this could be why I like money so much.) There was one specific time that I remember one of my uncles gave me twenty bucks and instead of taking it, I told him that I’d rather have a hug that money. I was maybe only five or six at the time. Even back then I knew that I’d rather have affection more than money.

I’m not sure what the best way is for me to get over my deep-rooted commitment issues, but I want to move on from them. They’re holding me back and I don’t like it.

My name is B, and I hope that someday I can do all of the things that I want without being weirded out.

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