I Won’t Cry For You, My Mascaras Too Expensive

“No relationships. No emotions. Just sex.” – Friends With Benefits

In all my nineteen–almost twenty–years of life, I can honestly say that I’ve never encountered that talked about friends with benefits relationship. If I’m being completely honest right now then I’ll tell you that I’ve never had any type of huge relationship at all. I’ve never had to worry about feelings being caught up in the mix of things until now. But these feelings aren’t what I think are the ‘typical’ friends with benefits feelings. I’m not hung up on this guy and I’m not jealous. I feel used. I can’t help but feel this way when I meet this guy, who we’ll call Mr. P.

I met Mr. P a few weeks ago and we ended up going out for coffee, though it wasn’t a date…especially since he had his friend who worked at the coffee shop sit with us. Also…who talks about their previous hook ups with a girl they just met? They may have been their horror stories, but still. I was under the impression that talking about things like that were a big no-no. Maybe I was wrong, but I don’t think that I was. After that night I was under the impression that we were friends and I was one hundred percent okay with that. I really was, I promise! But what am I supposed to think when the next time we talk it turns–how should I put this–intimate? Definite curve ball there. The back and forth flirty talk goes back and forth until one night I’m out with friends drinking and having a good time. Blame it on the alcohol…that goose got me feelin’ loose. Mr. P ended up showing at the bar we were at after I sent a few…more than a few…flirty and very insinuating texts. I used the fact that he wanted me to my advantage to get him out to where I was. Shame on me, I know. It’s safe to say that he got what he wanted and I was fine with that. No bad feelings at all because I wanted it too.

Maybe a week later I had the house to myself and after Mr. P found that out it was a very short while later that he was over at my place. After a few hiccups with parents coming home and my paranoia, things ended happily and we ended the night watching TV. Again, that’s fine and I’m totally cool with this whole friends with benefits thing. Although I’m not sure exactly what to table it since we never actually talked about it. But come three days later and he’s texting me about this girl and asking me for advice! Curve ball number two. I’m fine with hooking up with other people…just don’t ask me for advice on what to do with these other girls.

Enter today, February fourth: the day I realized I felt completely used. It started with the “what should I do?” texts from Mr. P and me, being an honest person, gave him my honest advice. I didn’t pull one of those bitch moves and give him terrible advice because I wasn’t jealous. I don’t even want to date this guy. I didn’t know why I was feeling so used until about 7:50 after I got off the phone with him as he was driving to meet this girl. I came to the realization that when he asked me out to coffee it was with one purpose in mind: to get in my pants. To me it seems like he saw me and was like “well this girl looks like an easy lay”  and I think that was fine at the time. But then with this girl, I wasn’t sure if he just wanted in her pants or if he really liked her. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if he just wanted in her pants, but from what I gathered he really likes her. The thing that I want to say that upsets me is that we hooked up twice and then he’s asking me what he should do and this and that about this girl like we didn’t hook up.

I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting from this…whatever we had but after Mr. P called me up after his date he was gushing over how well it went and (we’ll call the girl C) how C was really cool and they had a good time. I couldn’t help but let a few tears fall as I felt totally used and thrown to the side, but I quickly stopped myself. After getting off the phone with Mr. P, I came to the realization that though I may not like him like that, and I’m fine with us being friends because we do get along great, but like many other girls out there, I like the fact that guys want me even if I don’t like them like that or nothing will ever come from it. I like feeling wanted, it’s a huge confidence boost,  and now I’m not wanted anymore and it sucks.

I may still feel used and as terrible as these feelings are, I find some comfort in knowing that I’ve learned from this. I have a thick skin and I won’t let this ruin my friendship with Mr. P because though he is an ass, and I’ve told him he is, we get along pretty well. I’m sarcastic and bitchy and he’s an ass, over-confident, and also sarcastic. I’d say we mesh with each other as friends damn well and I don’t think I want to lose a newfound friendship over this.

Lesson learned.


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